Mistakes

Apparently I’m weak. It doesn’t surprise me much, I guess. I’ve never managed to press myself on anyone or anything and now, particularly since I want to, I find myself having to do so. When I don’t, my slave turns around and tries to dom ME, a reversal of roles with which I am neither comfortable or happy…Submitting to someone else might not be so bad, but to my own slave, it’s a little humiliating, which I suppose is the point. The fact that a slave… MY slave is putting me aside as thought I’m not worth the time to worry about is both upsetting and sadly familiar. It almost seems as though it falls in with everything else I go through, but that may be why it happened in the first place. I think I need to get my head wrapped around the proper concepts as best as I can. It’s pathetic, in a way, the fact that I can’t be as consistent as I would like. Maybe I’m too softhearted, I don’t know. I hope it’s not from lack of focus, though god knows that’s a problem for me as well. I don’t know which is worse; the fact that I’m being pushed around by my own slave or the fact that I’m not surprised… almost like I don’t really care. It’s odd… I don’t want to submit anymore to people but maybe it’s so deeply ingrained that I can’t work around it very well. It shouldn’t matter… The fact that she’s topping me is horrible. It shouldn’t be happening but it may be for my own good. Perhaps I’ll start remembering to keep my mouth shut under the right circumstances and make her shut HERS the rest of the time. Perhaps it is what I need, but I still resent it. I resent her even more for both knowing it and that she acts on it, too. I could wish that it was different, but that needs me to be stronger, I guess. I don’t even want to think about why I’m not. I just want things to be stable and that may be part of my problem and part of what’s making me weak. It’s not that I need to GET my head straight, it’s that I NEED to keep my head straight. I can dom, I’ve done it and, I think, done it well… so what’s my problem? Why can’t I just do it and keep doing it? Empathy is only part of it, I’m sure, but if it was so much a part, I should be able to feel that it’s what my slave wants and needs. My slave should never even be tempted to top me that’s the way that things should work… and I feel pathetic for being unable to keep it up. I shouldn’t have a problem with such things. Well, no. I should, to be honest. Its not the way that I’ve been brought up. In most of the relationships that I’ve seen (family included) the woman has been the dominant side. Whether the man is submissive or distant doesn’t really matter. I just wish that I could break through that upbringing and KEEP it there. In my past… where it belongs…

In the beginning

This is my first post, hopefully of many.

Last night my slave opened up to me once more and told me of things that she wishes I would do, ways I would act.

This isn't the first time that I have heard this from her and it begins to bother me that I have been unable, so far, to provide that solidarity and assurance to her. I will try harder.